I am my own community...

I have returned from my third gathering of the radical faeries at Brietenbush Hot Springs; it was my second summmer gathering. I did some personal work while I enjoyed, as well as, suffered through being in a community of 178 faeries. I felt disconnected and lonely even though I made a few very deep and lasting moments of connection with some very heartful men.

During my first night in my assigned cabin, I was awakened by someone shaking me and telling me I was snoring loudly. I felt embarassed and could not get back to sleep because I was afraid I would snore again. I spent the night in discomfort. This was my initial contact with my room mates. All though the next day, I thought should I change cabins, find another arrangement. I felt like it was too much work. Another faerie suggested sleeping in the forest shelter. I had discovered the love lounge, once again, and so I thought I would wait till the play space where intimacy, sex and touching occurred on mattresses and sheets occurred slowed and I would bed down for the night. To my surprise another faerie, who felt out of place in his cabin came and after a few moments of play, expressed the desire to cuddle though the night.

The same situation followed the next night as he turned up and crawled in, this time bringing his blanket. Each morning we walked over to the medicine wheel hot tubs and had a pre-breakfast soak. I made several forays to my cabin during the day to get drag, medicines or to just put in an appearance. But even with a few moments of being touched by others and some very deep heart connections, I grew to feel even more alienated from my room mates. My issues around how I was treated by the church came to the fore because one of my roommies is a minister.

I began to feel invisible and unable to connect with others. Now let me say, I intended to not go to heart circle because I had felt I had been dealing with a lot of issues here in the Bonaventure and I wanted to do some innerwork and enjoy doing it in the natural quiet and the hot springs. I felt I could not hear or bear issues other people were going through. Perhaps this made my situtation worse as I did not get a sense of community by sharing my problem with others in a heart circle or with my cabin mates themsleves. I felt I could not do that, I felt it was too much effort and trouble and besides I was fearful.

Friday night, the planned dance did not take place and all the faeries evolved into whatt felt to me like splintered groups of deep connexion or cliques. I felt sad, angry, out of sorts. I talked with another faerie who felt the same way. Then I wen to the love lounge, enjoyed a pupply pile of sexual play and then sorted out my mattress to sleep on. The next morning, Saturday, I decided I had had ebough sexual play and I withdrew further into my self and during the morning I made myself a cup of tea and came to a breakthrough. The soothing calming cup of black tea helped me to centre and ground within myself. I noticed others as an outsider and I felt contained and serene. I knew in this place where others were shifting in and out of drag and masks that I required nothing from them. I was content with my life and happy. I have a husband who loves me, a home and some great talents, sexual and otherwise mundane! I could take this lessson home with me!

That night, I slept in the cabin and if I snored, I snored with intent and pride in who I am and what I bring to any group. I know I am human and full of faults, but in some small way I also knew and continue to be aware of the fact that being invisible helps others who feel the same to find me. I become a mirror for those who need to be held and touched, mind to mind, heart to heart and body to body. I became eroticized both within myself and in my connections. I am grateful to the faeries, for I have returned home feeling stronger and more assured that I am in the right place and doing the right thing, mainly because of the certainty of who I am and the contentment I feel.

A Loner Comments...

Having spent most of my life as a loner, I enjoyed a few years of putting my social self forward. I found out I could be more extroverted than I could have imagined! But I realize it takes energy to do this, add the emotional / psychological stress of living with HIV and my age ( 47) and all together it shapes my present perspective. I, now, realize I am a loner again! I am grateful I have a husband who loves me or else I would be a grumpy old curmudgeon indeed.

I feel I need to create a safe and secure space for myself. I see the world as a very threatening place these days. I know I am not alone. I am not referring to the world situation per se, but I am thinking of this new plight of Crystal meth in the gay community. I feel like a Canadian Larry Kramer and I want to say "take responsibility for your lives and grow up!" I believe in personal freedom, but this PnP phenomena is affecting my public space. Personal freedom, for me, is the freedom to explore sexuality and its many dimensions without the addition of chemical poisons. Barebacking is nothing compared to the scourge of crystal methamphetamine!

Where is the gay morality squad now? I have been surprised at the number of responsible persons who are engaging in the PnP scene. My guess is this is the reason all is quiet on the home front. In Vancouver British Columbia there is talk of a public ban on cigarette smoking and yet, there is the evidence of the very real ravages of crystal meth use in the downtown core of the city. The corporate media is, as usual, using sensationalism to discuss the topic. Just as disturbing is the deafening silence form the AIDS Service Organizations and the gay community itself. I find it all very disheartening.

The shameful liberal government in BC has waged an economic assault on the HIV / AIDS community, so it too, is responsible for the many who may have turned to crystal out of hopelessness and a feeling of being a disposable section of not only the community as a whole, but the upwardly mobile socio-econimically coddled part of the gay community. I hope, one day soon, there is an substantive announcement about how unwelcome crystal meth is in the gay community nad how dangerous it is for those tempted to use it. It is not a moral issue, it is a matter of caring for our community!

As a caring community, I hope we can show another lifestyle other than those who can "consume," purchase and buy are "worth more" than those who have talents and gifts to offer the community.

I am the faerieshaman

Miracle?

A News sound bite announced, " the discovery of the Pool of Siloam." This is the pool where Jesus healed the blind man. Jesus spat on the ground and made clay with the spittle, putting it over the man's eyes and bade him to wash in the Pool of Siloam. After the man washed, he returned "seeing." This man was blind from birth.

An inquisition takes place between the crowd who knew the blind man and Jesus and then it shifts to the man's parents and then to the man himself. The questions pertain to "who is this man who healed" and of what essence is he? Is this healer of G-d or of Satan? The healing took place on the sabbath so therefore the crowd agreed, the healing was through the agency of the devil.

At the begining of the recounting of the story, John states, how the crowd believed the man's blindness was due to either his sins or the sins of his parents. In the conclusion of the story, Jesus states it is those with sight who are sinners because they do not understand the miracle and the man who now has sight has intimate knowledge of the miracle. He knows the truth of his experience and he recognizes Jesus as the healer.

The discovery of the pool of Siloam is a reminder for me that the church or christianity does not control the agency of God in the world and neither does it always recognize the Jesus of whom they preach so vehemently. In my heart, I know that in this world where people want to act and react from fear and hatred that there are some who have enough love "to cast out fear" and like Jesus operate from love.

There is a reason why some cannot see those of us who are gay and / or HIV positive. We are used to casting out our own fear as well as other's fears. We know how powerful we can be when we stand strong in who we are and love both ourselves and others. Through the process of coming out over a life time, we continually learn to recognize the agency of compassion and love as a divine act. Too bad, so many who are not gay or HIV positive need to rely on what "they think" to recognize the divine. I now, for myself, that I "feel" it through the spit and clay that makes me human! My life and my sexuality have taught me where I can feel the proximity of the divine.

Every day, I understand the miracle of my life, even if, at times I am less aware of the wonder of it! If you need certainty don't look to dogma and theological head trips but try to "feel" the miracle of your life. The harder the life, I would suspect, the more intimate the truth of the miracle.

http://www.bibleplaces.com/poolofsiloam.htm

http://www.newsday.com/news/nationworld/world/la-sci-siloam9aug09,0,7466922.story?coll=ny-leadworldnews-headlines

With thanks to Stuart Dumitt for his comment on my last entry.

I am a faerieshaman.

Back from the Wars

It has been some time since I posted an entry for the faerieshaman. Other blogs have impressed me so much, I have had second thoughts about continuing. Then I realized I am, essentially, writing this blog for myself. I am tired of being a passive recipient of news and sound bites from sources with a corporate agenda. Blogs have been a pleasant method of hearing from others like me, who are putting themselves forward and being involved in the observations and happenings in their communities and world.

I have been going through a depression so I have not been able to write. I hope to take posting up again. So here is to my return.

faerieshaman