Two Personas, One Body

War is present reality in the world. I know the U.S. is at war with insurgents? in Iraq, but I am talking about my war. When I was growing up I needed the security of certainty. I had an affinity for the elder woman next door and my closest friends were the elders of the neighborhood. Most of them had lived in the same house for their enire lifetimes.

My values resembled their values. I assumed the tenacity for which the themes of God, Church, Queen, Country, family, and neighborhood were a central key to the meaning of life.

To be gay, I have played with other realities and also lived a challenge to the values I hold. I enjoy being radical, mainly because I know there are some values common to both sides of my life. The traditionalist is integrated, at the best of my times, with the radical. But there are moments or times when an inner war erupts. This usually happens when I am feeling unwell and depressed. Then I "become old" and my sense of playfulness turns from cheer to cynicism and derision. The best I can do is understand myself and be conscious of the fact that my "reactions" are different from my "responses."

My reactions are unconscious and immediate to others around me and the situation in which I live. If I respond, it is thoughtful and based on how I am feeling and what I think is happening for me. I think it is essential for me to understand my social formation and hope it plays into my non-conformity. Am I rebelling for the sake of rebeling and pushing people and situations away from me or am I rebelling because I want to prove how silly and anachronistic are some of our societal rules?

Who is in charge of gender rules? What keeps us from really telling our politicians we want better and that they are accountable to us? Why do we take prescribed medications without question? Do we always need someone to tell us how we feel and why do some of us always look to "an authority" outside of our own experience? My faith and who I am are the result of the values I have practiced in my life. Now is my time to become ever more conscious of those values and decide which I want to keep and which I want to discard. But I realize I can never really escape from my past even if I can't go back. I have changed through the years.

What is your inner war?

the faerieshaman